I guess I should put a disclaimer here that I've never been to an awards show, I'm only writing what I know from television, and it's probably a poor representation at that. That still doesn't change the fact that if I was ever nominated for an award, I would quickly schedule something out of the country and hope that someone famously hilarious accepts on my behalf.
I know you're thinking, careful, your misanthropy is starting to show. I wasn't always like this. In my bolder days of youthful vanity (read: middle school), I would pretend to be sitting across from Oprah talking about my most recent bestseller. Award shows weren't really my thing, but network television's highly rated daytime shows apparently were. In my angrier, angsty-er days (read: college), I pictured a scenario in which I would accept an award out of spite for all the haters and nay-sayers. That speech would go something like, "This is no thanks to YOU, blankety-blank, who refused to write me a recommendation to get into such-and-such program. Despite you, so-and-so, who rolled your eyes when I said I wanted to be a writer, I'm accepting this award. Suck it."
So that's over, thank goodness. Now I'm sorry to tell you, friends and family members, I will not ever be a good bet for an awards show ticket, but in return I invite you to join me on a secluded beach somewhere- many time zones away from the video feeds (and unfortunately, the gift bags).
The Pillar of Fame
-Robert Herrick
Fame’s pillar here at last we set,
Out-during marble, brass or jet;
Charmed and enchanted so
As to withstand the blow
O f o v e r t h r o w ;
Nor shall the seas,
Or o u t r a g e s
Of storms, o’erbear
What we uprear;
Tho’ kingdoms fall,
This pillar never shall
Decline or waste at all;
But stand for ever by his own
Firm and well-fixed foundation.