Getting a little ahead of ourselves, aren't we?

I was watching the Golden Globes tonight,  and as a result I feel compelled to admit something.  I think most people who have jobs in the arts imagine themselves up on the stage of some awards show, accepting the highest honor for their work in front of all their peers.  I, on the other hand, can think of nothing more tortuous aside from being stuck on a bridge in a car full of spiders over a bay on a gusty day.  I mean, before we even get to the horror of public speaking, let's consider the long march from your seat to the stage.  At least at the Globes everyone is too busy toasting drinks at their tables to be paying too much attention to the actual show.  Most other shows everyone is so bored that they just stare at you as you pass by and psychically bombard you with "keep it short" vibes.  

I guess I should put a disclaimer here that I've never been to an awards show, I'm only writing what I know from television, and it's probably a poor representation at that.  That still doesn't change the fact that if I was ever nominated for an award, I would quickly schedule something out of the country and hope that someone famously hilarious accepts on my behalf. 

I know you're thinking, careful, your misanthropy is starting to show.  I wasn't always like this.  In my bolder days of youthful vanity (read: middle school), I would pretend to be sitting across from Oprah talking about my most recent bestseller.  Award shows weren't really my thing, but network television's highly rated daytime shows apparently were.  In my angrier, angsty-er days (read: college), I pictured a scenario in which I would accept an award out of spite for all the haters and nay-sayers.  That speech would go something like, "This is no thanks to YOU, blankety-blank, who refused to write me a recommendation to get into such-and-such program.  Despite you, so-and-so, who rolled your eyes when I said I wanted to be a writer, I'm accepting this award.  Suck it."

So that's over, thank goodness.  Now I'm sorry to tell you, friends and family members, I will not ever be a good bet for an awards show ticket, but in return I invite you to join me on a secluded beach somewhere- many time zones away from the video feeds (and unfortunately, the gift bags).

The Pillar of Fame

-Robert Herrick

             Fame’s pillar here at last we set,

             Out-during marble, brass or jet;

                  Charmed and enchanted so

                  As to withstand the blow

                   O f   o v e r t h r o w ;

                   Nor   shall   the   seas,

                     Or     o u t r a g e s

                   Of   storms,   o’erbear

                     What    we    uprear;

                   Tho’   kingdoms   fall,

                This   pillar   never   shall

                Decline   or waste at   all;

         But   stand   for ever   by   his   own

         Firm   and    well-fixed    foundation.